medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You Might Also Like
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*