me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
dutch is not a serious language
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity