food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*