my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
You Might Also Like
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Okay, I’m still confused…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.