My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
yeah 😭
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.