[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.