My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.