Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Ah..makes sense now
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”