Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?