If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
every single time
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me too door. Me too.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!