mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My first son he is wonderful
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.