“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
She puts the hot in psychotic
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work