My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.