My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Mission: Impossible
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail