My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
You Might Also Like
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.