Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday