Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
forgive me baja for i have blast