You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out