If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.