*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
You Might Also Like
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Happy Friday
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Can’t stop laughing
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?