KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
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my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4