Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Well, shit
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”