I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter