me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..