Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.