good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Coffee is ready.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.