neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Sounds like a bargain
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.