me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]