My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
☠️☠️☠️
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Bond. Trauma bond.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk