Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.