I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL