Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My kitchen overserved me.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO