Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Hot hot hot 🥵
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.