Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
What an awful time to have common sense.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
How wrong was this guy?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile