“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
You Might Also Like
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it