what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Go girl power!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were