*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.