Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
So the ex texted me
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
let’s discuss
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”