There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played