If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
is there nothing we can trust anymore
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.