I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
LMAO.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.