My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I am having an out of money experience.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt