That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]