Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
based al yankovic
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?