If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
You Might Also Like
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it