HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
You Might Also Like
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I need a headline like this
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin