[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
True statement👍😏😁
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.