When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not