Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
#Caturday
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans