Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.